


Life Goes On

by ConfusedUnit



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Chex - Freeform, Depression, F/M, Gun Violence, Past Character Death, carwash siblings, other relationships maybe?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3920875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfusedUnit/pseuds/ConfusedUnit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been six years since that night that changed everything. If everything were still normal, he would probably try to make a joke about it, and get punched by his girlfriend.<br/>Unfortunately, Church is far too aware of the fact that everything is not normal.<br/>You can't really talk to people as a ghost, though he can't help but try. Maybe one day he'll get lucky and someone will hear him.<br/>He doubts it, but it's good to have a hobby when you have nothing but time on your hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving On Is Hard To Do

It’s been so long since he could talk to her. 

Church made jokes about hating her cocky attitude, her amazing ability to just go and ‘hang out’ with other guys (which he found out -was- just hanging out; she let him think what he thought because she thought it was funny), and her tendency to punch him in the face (which he would never admit out loud, but it was usually deserved). But in all honesty, he missed talking to her. He missed the disagreements, the bickering about where to eat, the arguments about cleaning the place. He also missed the nice times: the resting on the couch together, the falling asleep in her arms (he would never admit to anyone that it wasn’t the other way around), the pleasant moments as they came.

Maybe it hadn’t actually been that long, in the grand scheme of things, but six years felt like a long time.

Especially as he watched her grow up.              

He regretted every decision he had made that night, from insisting that he wouldn’t be gone that long, leaving his phone at home, to actually getting on that bus that night. He knew he couldn’t have known. It was impossible to have known.

He tries to convince himself of that every day that passes.

 

* * *

 

Church sighed, angrily kicking a rock across the street. “God damn it. Why’s this shit always gotta happen to me? Was I just a prick in a past life or something?”

The bus driver ignored him, sitting at the bus stop and smoking a cigarette.

“I mean, I do my best to not be as much of a prick as I could be. But I’m only 16 years old, what does the world expect from me? Sometimes, a 16 year old is a prick! That’s life!”

He continued to be ignored.

“And why did the bus have to break down tonight, of all nights?” He made a frustrated noise, before shoving his hands in his pockets and running across the street. He really did not want to be on this side of town. He didn’t want to be on any side of town, other than at home with his girlfriend. “Sure would be useful for payphones to still be a fucking thing. Jesus Christ, one of the few times those pieces of shit would be useful.” He growled, kicking another rock, before reluctantly ducking into a coffee shop.

The clerk greeted him warmly (far too warmly for 10 at night, he felt). “Hello sir, what can I get for you?”

“Do you guys happen to have a phone I can use? The last bus of the line I needed to catch broke down, and I lost my phone.”

She shook her head sadly. “Sorry sir, but we aren’t allowed to use our personal phones while on shift, and we don’t have a public phone. I might be able to get directions for you, though, if you tell me what street you need.”

Church wanted to shout and scream, because nothing was going his way that night and he just wanted to get home and sleep. But, he knew this kid didn’t even know him, and while he was fine yelling at people who he didn’t give a shit about, he didn’t want to be that prick who harassed clerks because of shit that wasn’t their problem. “I’d really appreciate that, thanks.”

Since he was the only customer inside, the clerk ran off quickly, calling a “Be right back!” over her shoulder.

Church sighed again, moving to sit by the window. He stared at his reflection in the glass, tracing patterns with his finger in boredom.

A loud noise startled him from his spot, causing him to flinch. “What the fuck? Was that a-”

The noise hit again, causing him to panic. “Fuck!” He ducked down, as a bullet pierced through the glass of the building next door. The echoing of shattered glass finally pushed him into action, and he jumped up from the booth. If he could make it behind the counter, he would be fine. He could hide in the back with the clerk, and everything would be-

would be-

The sound of shattering glass behind him was the loudest sound he had ever heard in his life. He felt like everything was in slow motion, as he realized just what a stupid mistake he had made.

He should have stayed ducked down. He should have-

The bullet pierced his chest, and for a moment all Church could think about was pain. He collapsed to the ground in a heap, coughing. Everything burned, everything, and he just kept coughing.

He couldn’t breathe.

He heard another sound of shattering glass, and he heard a girl scream, but he couldn't quite remember why he knew she would.

Why couldn't he breathe?

He felt like he needed to move, to try to crawl somewhere, but everything hurt and he didn’t understand.

He let himself completely fall over, curling his arms around himself. He’d be fine. He’d be fine.

Why could he not breathe?

 

* * *

 

Church shakes his head. It was better not to dwell on it so early in the morning. He had focused on the subject all night, just like he always did, running the night over and over again in his head, trying to figure out what he should have done different. Every night, he figured out a new thing he should have done. But now wasn’t the time for that. Morning meant he had to get himself out of his personal pity party, and make sure she was okay.

She was usually okay. Some mornings, though, he knew better.

He knew today would be that day, before she even woke up. He sits on her desk (he couldn’t help but sit on things, even if he couldn’t affect much. It was just so much easier to sit on things then stand or float around all day. It got boring eventually), watching the clock, counting down.

_“Three...Two...One…”_

Her alarm clock rings out, some computer generated series of cheeps and chirps that probably was meant to resemble some kind of chiptune music but never quite got there.

Tex grumbles, throwing her pillow at the clock, knocking it over.

_“Bravo. Wonderful throwing arm you’ve got there. You should join a sport.”_

Tex reluctantly sits, sliding off of the bed and picking up the clock. She turns off the alarm, and sets it back on the bedside table. She stretches, sighing as her phone starts ringing.

_“Look who’s miss popular. Is it Team Dad again? I bet it’s Team Dad.”_

She looks at the caller, before reluctantly answering. The voice rings out of the speaker, as she starts digging through her closet. “Hey Tex.”

“Hello, York.”

_“Told you it was Team Dad. I win.”_

“What’s up, got any plans today or something, cause North and Wash and I thought we could come over and borrow your pool.”

“York.”

“I mean, it’s super hot outside today, so we could bring ice cream too, and make it an event.”

“York. It’s eight in the morning. It’s not hot out yet.” She pulls out a shirt and holds it up, before putting it back.

“But it totally will be today!”

“York-”

“Would you like to talk to someone else? Here, let me get Wash.”

“York-” She cuts herself off, sighing as she throws a shirt onto the bed.

_“You picked these people, Tex. They’re your problem.”_

“Uh, hello?”

“Hello, Washington. Can you hit York for me? And can you also cut the bullshit.”

“Uhm, how about we make a deal, and you get to push York into the pool when we come over.”

“Wash.”

Wash sighs. “Tex...We just want to help. You’re part of our group of friends-”

“Our team of awesome people with weird names!”

“York, shut up, I’m on the phone!”

“I know you are, I gave it to you man!”

“Anyway, you’re part of our group of friends. So we want to help you.”

She sighs, shutting her closet and moving to the dresser to find a pair of pants. “And what if I said I didn’t need or want your help?”

“I’d tell you...too bad, you’re getting it anyway?”

She stops in her tracks.

“...Tex…?”

“...Wow, Wash. You’ve actually managed to get some balls. I’m impressed.”

“...Is that a yes?”

“You better bring beer. And food. I’m hungry.”

“Gotcha. We’ll be there soon.”

“Bye, Wash.”

“See you soon, Tex.”

She hears the phone hang up, and sighs again, throwing a pair of cargo pants onto her bed. She slams the dresser shut, before collapsing back onto her bed.

Church knew why she hated this date, but it always made him feel strange. He would have felt the same way if it was her, of course. But he never really thought about how she would react.

He looks over to the calendar, and the day was entirely blocked out with blue ink.

He's glad that she has friends that could comfort her. He wishes that he could so, so badly, even if it was just say one thing to her.

But people can’t talk to ghosts.

So he settles for watching over her.

Because it was all that he can do.


	2. Sometimes You Just Need A Friend (Or 20)

“So...don’t yell…”

“York, what the fuck did you do.” Texas was already unamused; she had spilled three separate attempts at making coffee, shattered one of the pots and a mug on the floor (which Wash was cleaning up behind her), and she had slipped in the shower because of her lack of caffeine. She pulled her hair back, tying it up with a hair tie as she glared at him.

“Well, uh, we brought friends?” He shrugs, a grin on his face.

“What he means to say,” Wash speaks up, dumping a dustpan of glass into a bin. “Is that we brought the kids, and some old friends are joining us.”

“The kids are fine.” She crosses her arms. She wanted to help clean up the mess, but the others had decided that if she did she might break more things in frustration. “But when you say old friends, you mean-”

A bang at the door interrupts her. She raises an eyebrow as she glances down the hallway, and York freezes.

“York!” A voice calls from the other side.

Tex’s glare turns borderline lethal.

York laughs nervously. “Hey, ‘Lina! I’ll, uh…” He gulps. “On my way!” He darts down the hallway, turning the corner so sharply he almost crashes into the wall.

Tex sighs.

“You know,” Wash looks up from where he's crouched. “It’s been a while since you guys talked.”

“That’s on purpose.” She turnss to look at him. “You know that.”

“And you know that’s not what I meant.” He dumps more glass into the bin.

“...You invited the teams?” She blinks at him.

“They actually asked if we were doing anything today. When we told them, they kind of...invited themselves.”

“...They knew they were coming here, right?”

“Yeah.” He picks up a rag, and starts soaking up the coffee.

“...And they wanted to?”

“Tex.”

She turns away, busying herself with straightening up the table.

Church looks up from where he sat on the counter. Any other day, he would have been surprised that she mentioned those sort of things. But he knows that she and Wash were, and are, close (“It’s a good idea to be at least friendly with family, and you’re the one who insists your family is mine.” “Uh, the -good- parts you can share, fuck the other ones. Wait, shit no that’s not what I meant. Stop laughing, Tex!” ), and it's probably good that she's talking to him before they come over. He sighs. _“Don’t close off, Tex. You know better.”_

“Texas.”

“Washington.”

“Allison.”

Church cringes. He has no idea how long it's been since someone actually said her name, but he guesses from her flinch that it's been a long time.

Wash looks up at her, waiting until she makes eye contact. “They might have said their comments when you were all together, but you know better than anyone else that that was their way of showing they care.”

“If you say so.”

“They’ve been worried about you, you know.”

Church blinks. _“Wow, actually having a heart to heart conversation? I mean, I know what day it is, but man...Maybe the lack of caffeine is actually getting to you.”_ His tone is quiet. He doesn't mean it harshly.

She watches him carefully for a moment, before sighing. “Why?”

“Because you cut off contact with them right after everything? Because they know that you aren’t actually an emotionless person? Because you’re their friend?” He gestures with the rag as he talks, dripping coffee back onto the floor.

“I’m pretty sure all of the things you just mentioned are exactly the reasons why I wouldn’t be considered a friend.” She goes back to straightening the table.

“If one of us had cut people out of our lives, would you consider us to not be your friends anymore?’

She's actually startled by the quickness and bluntness of the question. “What? No, why would-”

“Then why do you think they would be any different?”

She turns back again.

“Look. They might be bad at communicating with each other, and they can really be obnoxious sometimes. But once you become a friend of theirs, they aren’t going to just give up on you.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.” Her tone's back to being measured, calculated, trying to sound as casual as she can. She hadn't managed that before, and she really needed to get back on her game if she was going to have to talk to -her-.

“That’s because I am.”

She blinks. “What-”

“You aren’t the only one who's upset, Allison. While you separated yourself from them, Carolina introduced me to them. And then when Maine went missing-”

“They latched on and wouldn’t let go.” She finishes.

He nods. “They look after their own. It’s a bit easier when their own actually let them, but they can find workarounds if given enough time.”

“...I’m sorry, David.” She leans back against the table, clenching her fists. She couldn’t hide her emotions all the time, and she knew today would be very bad for that. But she didn’t think it would start this early.

“You don’t have to apologize. Just...do something for me, would you?” He throws the cloth into the bin, and pushes himself to his feet.

“What is it?”

“Give them a chance, at least.”

“They aren’t the ones who need a second chance.” She runs a hand through her hair.

“They’re willing to give you several.” He sighs, before giving her an earnest smile. "They did for me." He sets his hand on her shoulder. “Now, sit down for a bit. I’ll make you some coffee, the kids will run in at some point, and you can have a bit of a break before the others show up. And, before she comes to talk with you. Okay?”

Church’s shoulders slump. He should be the one having these kind of talks with her. He should be the one making sure she understood she needed help sometimes too. _“I guess if I can’t, you’re not the worst choice for second.”_ He pushes himself off the counter, moving to sit on the table.

Tex sighs, before nodding. “Okay, Wash. You win this time.” She moves to the table and sits down, resting her head on the cool wood.

“I only win because you aren’t fully awake yet.” He smirks. “I know any other day, you would have won.”

“Take your victories where you can, Wash.” She teases, before going silent as she rests.

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, Tex wakes up at the sound of someone bounding into the room. She blinks, confused. When had she fallen asleep? Why was she asleep? Who was in her house?

Church places his hand on her right shoulder right as Washington places his on her left.

_"Relax, it’s okay.”_

“Sorry, Tex, Theta was just really excited to hear that he could see you today.” Wash gives her a kind smile, before setting a mug next to her. “Coffee’s done, too.”

“Hi Aunt Texas!” Theta chirps, standing on his toes to look over the table. He very quickly looks sheepish, and whispers, “Sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you up!”

She sits up, rolling her shoulders. She gives him a soft smile. “It’s okay, Theta. I needed to wake up anyway.” She pushes back her chair slightly, before waving him over.

Theta practically squeaks, darting over and climbing into her lap. “Just wait until you hear what’s been happening lately! D got into a bunch of trouble for once, and I got to go to the fairgrounds, and Mr. Flowers came to visit us a few days ago and he wanted us to give you a card!”

Church pushes himself off the table, a smirk on his face. _“You always did have a way with kids. Hell if I understood how someone so against anything other than seriousness could bear to put up with kids so much.”_ He stretches. _“I’ll let you have some time. I’ll be back later.”_ He pats her shoulder one more time, before walking down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the few chapters that I have written that I've been worried about posting, because of how Tex interacts in it. But I felt like it was important to show her cracking under this kind of pressure. She's amazingly bad-ass, yes, but she's not unfeeling. Everyone shows 'emotional weakness' at some point.  
> I hope you enjoyed. Next chapter should be coming sooner than this one.


	3. Talking Is Harder Than You Think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long. Hopefully the next one will be out sooner than this timeframe.

Church puts his hands into his pockets, kicking aimlessly as he walks. _“Should go get my jacket from the laundry room.”_ He mumbles to himself. He couldn't break the habit of storing it there, even though there was no point. He couldn't wash it, on account of being a ghost, and the hoodie couldn't get dirty anyway.

He sighs, moving to the side as Delta walks down the hallway. _“Hey D.”_ He says as he walks past. It was an unnecessary formality, but damn it if he was going to just let himself not talk. _“Hell will freeze over before I willingly don’t share with the world my amazing ideas. How cruel would it be of me to hold back brilliance?”_

After a quick stop to put his hoodie back on (he was glad that he got to keep the clothes he had been wearing at the time, and that he actually fucking loved that outfit. He didn’t care about his appearance much, but damn if he didn’t love to look good sometimes. The t-shirt-with-an-open-button-up-over-it look was great, damn whatever Tucker and Donut decided. Sure, the hoodie was a bit much, but it had been cold. You're allowed to not worry about your appearance when you're cold), he walks back into the living room.

Carolina looks around the room, her arms crossed.

 _“Hey sis.”_ He greets, before jumping into the armchair, kicking his legs over the armrest. _“Been a while. You still gonna marry that asshole? Or, shit, did you already? Did you get married and not invite Tex, because I swore I’d go to your wedding and I really don’t want to have missed it because you two had a fight again.”_

“Carolina?” A voice speaks quietly.

“In here, North.”

_“North. York. What the fuck is with names? I mean, I know yours is actually your name, sis, and I know Wash changed his, but did normal names go out of style in the last six years or something? Nicknames become the new thing? Or was there a Craigslist posting, looking for people named after states? Is that how you met Wyoming? Please tell me he’s not coming over.”_

North ducks into the doorway. “Have you seen-”

_“Sup, North.”_

“He went to the kitchen.” She turns to look at him. “Why, what’s wrong?”

“I just hadn’t seen him, and while I was setting up the grill I told York to watch him, and…”

“And York told Delta to go look for him when he realized that he had no idea where Theta went.”

“Yup.”

_“And this is the guy you want to live the rest of your life with. He can’t even keep track of his friend’s kid, and you want to marry him. And you use to say that I had bad taste is SOs. Which, by the way, you’re still wrong. Thought I’d point that out.”_

North looks Carolina up and down. "...Are you going to be okay?"

Church watches his sister. He knew that she had not taken the news well, (neither had Wash, he remembered), and had been...pretty closed off. He remembered her waiting until no one was home, before hiding in the gym and shouting her frustrations as she punched and kicked the punching bag. He knows she wasn't okay.

Carolina sighs. "I'll be fine, North. You focus on Theta. And on keeping York out of trouble."

"Since when is minding York my job?" He smirks and laughs, before nodding. "You just take care of yourself. Be careful."

"I'm always careful, North."

"I know." He smiles at her, before walking towards the kitchen.

Church sighs. _"I know you two are upset, and I know you didn't really get along even back then, but it would be really convenient if you could eventually stop fighting with each other? Just spit-balling here, don't mind me."_

A small cough is heard from behind the chair.

 _"Holy shit!"_ Church almost jumps.

Carolina turns. "Hello, Delta."

"Hello, Carolina." The young boy tilts his head slightly, looking right at at her.

"What's on your mind, D?"

"I...do not think you will like my question."

_"She probably won't, because she doesn't like questions."_

"Go ahead, D. You know you won't get in trouble for your curiosity."

Delta, again, stares over the chair for a moment.

"Thinking hard?"

"Trying to...figure how to word it."

"Just go ahead, Delta."

"...If you are still upset with Aunt- ...With Texas, why did you insist to York that you wanted to come, today?"

Church blinks. _"Wait, you willingly came? Of your own decision? York didn't drag you along or anything?"_

Carolina sighs. "Because while I may still have my grievances, I know I'm not the only one who's been effected by...what happened."

Delta nods. "Are you...going to have another argument?"

"I don't know, Delta."

"I am sorry, Carolina. I did not mean to upset you."

"I said you could ask. It's fine." She pauses. "I'm going to go out back. Would you go tell York that I need to talk to him?"

"He is in trouble for letting Theta go somewhere he did not know, I assume?"

_"Yup."_

"Yes, Delta."

"I will send him to you."

"Thank you." Carolina walks out the doorway, quickly making her way down the hall.

Church sighs. _"It was so much easier to mediate between the two when they actually could hear me. Even if it just resulted in me being yelled at instead."_

Delta closes his eyes for a moment. "I am sure that she will be alright. I suppose I should go look for York. He will not want to keep her waiting."

_"Yeah, there is no way that is a good idea. See you, little dude."_

Delta doesn't respond, as he turns and walks down a different hallway.

Church sighs. _"Really wish that they could hear me. Can only talk to myself for so long before I'm pretty sure it becomes a problem. At what point does talking to yourself become unhealthy, actually? Like, how many years of constant talking to yourself does it take?"_

The empty room is silent.

He sighs again. _"Yeah, I thought so too."_ He closes his eyes, trying to pretend to rest. It was going to take a lot of energy once the inevitable yelling match started.


	4. Joy Is For Many People (But Maybe Not For All)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 'party' arrives, and memories are thought of. Church feels left out.  
> So basically the usual.

It isn’t until an hour or two later that Church’s rest is disturbed. The front door slams open, startling him. _“What the fuck?”_

“Hello! We are here! We did not get lost or anything!”

“Oh my God, Caboose, please shut up.” Tucker groans. “And would you actually get in the fucking house? I can’t get past you.”

“Tucker! I cannot go in until I am invited, that is how the rule has always been! You set that rule yourself!”

“Oh for the love of- Would someone tell the idiot that he can come inside before I drop all the booze?”

“Caboose!” Washington’s voice echoes down the hall.

“Washington!”

“You can come in, it’s really fine!”

Church shudders. _“Nope, not ready for this yet. Time to get out of here.”_ He pushes himself up from the chair, walking through the door to the back yard. He floats up onto the roof, sitting down to watch from above.

He hadn’t seen them in six years.

He's sure if he's ready yet.

 

* * *

 

  
Church stood at the back of the room. It felt weird for him to be there in the first place. No one really expects to go to their own funeral.

It had been strange, for him. To see everyone who had showed up. To notice everyone who -didn't- show up.

His father wasn't there, for starters. Not that he ever expected that he would be. His father had left his life around the same time that his mom had joined the army. He sent money sometimes, and had bought the house to live in, but other than that did not even try to make contact. Even so, Church couldn't help feeling sad that his father hadn't even come.

His mom wasn't there, either, but she actually had a reason. She was still on tour, and even if she had gotten the information by now, there was no way she couldn't have gotten a flight out in time. She was the one who actually cared, of his parents. He knew he'd see her again at some point, when she actually got the chance to come visit.

A lot of people had shown up, though, and it had kind of startled him. He knew he had talked to quite a few people, but they always called him an asshole. It was hard to convince himself that they actually cared, sometimes.

All of the 'rival' group at school, (they weren't in any sports, or anything really competitive, but had somehow agreed that they were teams and that they had a rivalry. Church couldn't completely remember why), had shown up.

 

Sarge (Church had no idea if that was his real name, but all the teachers called him that at school, and the rest of the group went by last names so they had no place to judge) had gotten dressed up for the occasion, suit and everything. He was quiet, not snarking at the others, not talking about things that made no sense, not even getting so much as annoyed with Grif. It was unsettling for Church, to say the least.

He had walked up to the gravestone, after Church's body had been buried, when everyone else was away. And he apologized. He apologized for all the trouble he had given him, for all the insults that had been said which he never really meant, for always acting like he hated him and the group he was with. He took a breath. "...I'll take care of 'em, son. That's a promise."

Grif had been quiet too. He wasn't wearing a suit, but he was as formal as he could be. He kept running his hands through his hair out of anxiousness, and seemed to be practically holding his breath. Whenever Church could get a look at him, silent tears were flowing down his face. Grif had always been one of the more chill members of Red, and the two had actually formed a kind of comradery.

Simmons wasn't doing that well either. He kept trying to say something, when everyone else was away, but any time he tried he would just start to cry. At one point, he sputtered out that he was sorry that Church was gone, because the teams never really mattered and everyone was supposed to be friends anyway.

Donut stayed by Grif or Simmons the entire time, his head low, and didn't speak at all. Church felt bad for him. He liked the shorter Red, who always loved to wear pink and gave Church trouble for what he liked to wear. Their banter was a fun and nice part of the lunch period. It hurt to see Donut so crushed.

Even Lopez had showed up, saying a couple things in Spanish (which, to Church's surprise, didn't sound like insults), before staying by Sarge the rest of the time.

 

Carolina had come, of course. And Washington. They had to, not just because they needed the closure, but because they knew that they were the only family that would show up. Carolina was quiet yet formal, giving a talk about him and everything that he had done. Wash was talkative but hurt, stumbling over his words as he talked about his brother in a way that he hoped he never would have to.

Texas had said something quiet, at the beginning of the whole thing, and then pulled away. She stayed as far away from everyone as she could, and when no one was at the gravestone that was where she sat, pulling at the nearby grass and being silent. If any tears had fallen from her face, Church sure wasn't going to tell anyone.

Flowers had spoken quite a lot, about Church. Given the fact that he had practically taken over as guardian for the Blues as soon as Carolina had introduced him to them, he told all the stories of happy times that he could.

York stayed mostly silent, only talking to Carolina and trying to comfort her.

Maine did the same thing for Wash.

 

Everyone treated Caboose like he didn't quite understand what was going on, but he knew. He knew that his best friend was gone, and wasn't going to come back. He knew that they didn't know who's fault it was, but they knew it wasn't one of them and that was all that he could ask for. He had always been afraid that Church would leave, but he also knew that the sarcasm and mean words were just Church's way of showing friendly affection. You didn't have to have the IQ of Simmons to know that. And they had their fights and squabbles, but everything always got better.

"But this isn't going to get better..." He whispered to himself at one point, trying again not to cry. "Because Church had to go somewhere far away, and he can't come back because they really need him there right now. He just couldn't tell anyone he needed to leave. Because then I would have been sad. And tried to convince him not to. That is why. He didn't want to break his best friend's heart, that's all. That's why he didn't say goodbye."

Caboose was confused a lot of the time, but in his own way he understood.

It almost broke Church's heart to see him in such a state.

 

It was the very end of the ceremony, everyone had gone outside but Church. He stayed near the spot where his casket had been, staring with a sort of morbid curiosity. It had been weird enough to have 'woken up' in the first place, let alone to watch your own funeral and see your own dead body. _"I guess I could have left, but what would be the point?"_ He spoke to himself.

He heard something fall to the ground behind him, and spun around to see Tucker. Tucker, dressed all formal with his hair pulled back, tear stains on his face. He looked upset, angry, broken.

"Church!" He almost yelled, stomping his way to the front of the room.

Church jumped back behind where he had been looking, watching Tucker with fear. Could he see him?

He slammed his fists onto the table. "You bastard!" His eyes were squeezed shut, and his voice wobbled with almost every word. "You said you'd be careful! You said you wouldn't do anything stupid! You promised you wouldn't go off and get yourself killed, do you even remember that?" His voice broke, and he collapsed slightly onto the table. "You promised you'd be there for Blue team, for us, for anything that happened." The anger filled his voice again. "I was going to tell you, you know? The next day, I was going to tell you, even though I knew you'd be mad because I didn't listen to you and went and did something stupid." He slammed his hand onto the table again, before his voice went quiet. "I'm gonna have a kid, Church. I was gonna tell you, because you said you'd help me no matter what."

Church stared down at Tucker, frozen.

"We were all gonna finish high school, remember? Go to college together? Be roommates, even with Caboose? You always acted like you didn't want to but you never said no." A sob escaped him. "Now I have to take care of Caboose by myself, and take care of my kid **by myself**. Because Flowers is leaving, and you promised. But now you're gone." He went silent for a moment. "You weren't supposed to leave, Church."

By the time Tucker looked up again, Church was nowhere to be found.

 

* * *

 

  
Church shakes his head, watching from the roof as people started to file out into the backyard. He watches as Theta and Delta claim a pair of pool chairs, as North and York start messing with the grill again, as Wash claims three chairs, and as Carolina and Tex join him. He watches as the Reds finally arrive, with Sarge yelling something as Grif tries to avoid being pushed over, as Simmons rolls out a cooler, as Donut keeps bouncing around and talking to anyone who will listen, as Lopez follows him while muttering under his breath. He watches as Doc (he didn't realize that Doc still talked to the two teams. Hadn't he gone off to doctor college or something? He really couldn't remember) walks out, smiling at everyone and greeting them, before walking over to the kids. And he watches as Caboose runs out into the backyard, yelling and talking and excited as could be, while Tucker walks out more slowly, his hand in a small child's.

Church's eyes widen. The kid looked just like a tiny version of Tucker himself. _"That must be his kid..."_ He thinks for a moment. _"...Wonder what their mom was like."_

Tucker says something to the kid, before letting him go run over to the other two children. He places his hand on his hip for a moment, before turning around and heading back inside. He returns very quickly with a chair and a bag of some sort, before walking over to a place by the kids and sitting down.

Church watches for a moment more, before sighing. He feels uncomfortable, like he's intruding on something he shouldn't know about. He slides off the roof, before going back inside.

 _"It's probably better if I just stay out of the way for a while..."_ He mumbles to himself, as he wanders down the halls.

He eventually ends up at a door. Not that that ever surprised him, whenever he wanders, he always ends up there. He stares at the door for a moment. _"It always comes down to this, doesn't it."_ He sighed.

After a moment, he walks through the door, and into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably will end up being a bit until the next chapter. It's looking like it's gonna be a flashback heavy chapter, so I'll need a bit of time to write it. On the other hand, it will be longer than any of the chapters I've posted yet, so there is that.  
> Glad that people are enjoying this. ^_^


	5. Your Memory Is An Ocean (Constantly Threatening To Sink You)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took me so long. I've been dealing with some family troubles and such. And since it kept getting longer and longer since I posted a chapter, I wanted to make the chapter longer and longer to compensate, but at this point I knew I needed to just actually write the chapter and get it out here. So thank you all for being patient with me. I plan to continue this story, even if it takes me a while to update again, so just keep that in mind. ^_^;;
> 
> This chapter has flashbacks, and the start of some very exciting things story wise. I hope you all enjoy.

Church sighs. _“I don’t even know why I came in here. Why do I always come in here? It’s fucking dumb. ‘Oh hey Church, I think we should go into the room that upsets me all the time’ ‘Wow! What a great idea me! Fucking idiot.”_ He mutters the last bit to himself, as he looks around the room.

The room's in an impressive state, for the room of someone who had been gone for six years. Almost everything was how Church had left it when he had left home that night: his clothes in a pile next to his bed, his computer shut off, his desk covered in papers and knickknacks. His game systems, collected items, and gifts from his friends lined the shelves, a thin layer of dirt covering them. His bed was made, his computer chair on the floor, the calendar on the wall still from that year.

He sighs again, moving to sit on the bed. He hated coming in here. He hated what it did to him. And yet, he always did it. When things felt uncomfortable, when he wanted to be alone, when he felt horribly guilty…

It always led him to his room.

He had only sat for a few minutes, before he feels himself getting pulled back into his thoughts. He attempts to resist them, but only could do that for a few moments before he feel his memories wash over him and take him away.

 

* * *

 

  
The most painful memory was the first one; 'waking up' confused and dazed, stumbling through a hospital as doors opened and closed around him, struggling to find his way home as everything felt so blurry and loud.

He stumbled into the house, calling out. _"Tex! Tex, I- I think I need some help..."_ He swayed as he made his way to her room, eyes widening as he saw the door was open. _"Tex-"_

He froze as he saw her standing by her desk, shaking as she held a phone up to her ear. Her other hand covered her mouth. Her hair was messy, as if she has just been woken up.

 _"Tex- Tex, what's wrong?'"_ He moved into the room quickly, causing it to spin and send him crashing to the floor.

But he didn't make a sound.

 _"Wha-"_ He was baffled as he pushed himself to his feet, but figuring out what was wrong with his girlfriend was more important, and he moved closer to her.

Silent tears were flowing down her face.

 _"Tex, please, talk to me."_ He shook from fear, as the house felt hazy again. _"Why are you ignoring me? Tex?"_ He paused. _"...Allison?"_

He reached out, trying to hug her, comfort her from whatever was bothering her, but his arms went through her.

He screamed. Suddenly, it all came back. The bus. The cafe. The gunshot.

 _"N-no. No!"_ He backed away. _"This isn't happening. Allison, please, talk to me! You have to hear me!"_ He looked down at his arms, and only then realized the haze.

He was glowing.

She collapsed to her knees, wrapping an arm around herself as she cried.

He backed up against the wall and screamed.

  
As the screams flee from his ears, he feels like he's being dragged by the sea, unable to resist or fight back, as he feels nervousness flow through him. He feels like he landed on something solid, and he takes off running.

  
He didn't understand.

He kept repeating that to himself as he ran through the halls.

 _"I don't get it! Where the fuck did he go? Wash! Come back!"_ Church called as he sprinted.

Wash was somewhere. He...he had to be. He wasn't always the most stable, (even in their family), but he wouldn't just leave...would he?

Church skid to a halt as he realized Wash's door was closed. He paused for a moment, preparing himself, before floating through the door.

Wash sat on the floor, his matress leaned against the wall above him. He was burried in blankets, as far away from the locked door as possible. His hair was messy, more than usual, and the circles were darker under his eyes.

His room was wrecked, papers skattered across the floor, shelves shattered into pieces, his desk overturned and ripped apart.

Church was shocked. _"Wash..."_ He was concerned.

Washington sighed quietly, staring at the bedframe.

Church moved to stand in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder. _"Wash, tell me what's wrong."_

Wash looked up, and to the side, before pulling at his hair. "I think I've finally lost it.' He mumbled to himself.

Church froze. _"Wash, please."_

He continued to look up and to the side, almost up at Church but not quite. It was obvious he was trying his best not to cry. "First Maine goes missing, and now-"

Church couldn't believe Wash was talking to him. (No, he corrected himself, he must just be picturing talking to me. He can't actually see me.) _"Hold on, Maine's missing?"_

Wash nodded weakly, resting his head against the wall. "He's just- gone."

Church sighed. Maine and Washington had been close for a long time, before Carolina met York, before Church met Tex, even back before Wash had changed his name. They were never in a relationship ("Neither of us are really interested in any of that." Wash had told them over breakfast one day. "We're just close friends.") but they always had each other's backs.

Which definitely explained the reaction of just breaking everything and hiding away. Church found it sadly fitting at that moment that the two of them had names of states that were all the way across the country from each other. _"He didn't leave a note? No phone call?"_

"Not answering his phone. "He said weakly. "Filled his inbox already."

Before Church could even think of responding, a harsh knocking came from the door. Wash jumped, before burrowing further into his blankets, while Church floated to up above the bed.

"Wash, open this door -right now-." Tex spoke, sternly.

Wash just wimpered in reply.

Tex sighed, and the lock clicked as the door opened. "See, your boyfriend's not the only one who can pick locks." She couldn't help but snark under her breath.

Carolina gave her a nudge with her elbow as she walked through the doorway. "Now is not the time." She knelt down infront of Wash, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Washington. Please talk to me."

Tex soffened, walking over and sitting next to Carolina. "You've got us worried."

Wash let out a sad, almost hysterical laugh. "He's gone." He barely got the words out before breaking down and sobbing.

The girls looked at each other, before pulling him into a hug.

 

He feels calmer as the stress melts away, causing him to forget what he was so worried about after all. He suddenly feels like smirking, and when he lands this time, he crouched close to the ground as he sneaks forward.

 

Church always spied on his siblings when he was little. There wasn't much else to do in their home when their mother was away. Church's father would spend as much time at work as possible during those times.

Which is why he was sitting outside of David's room, his back pressed against the wall, listening to his brother explain what he seemed to think was a crisis.

"So, why did you want to talk to me?" Carolina asked, sketching in a notebook as she leaned against David's bed.

David was wringing his hands nervously. "It's...about me."

"Okay." She stopped sketching. "Are you hurt?"

"No." He sighed, clenching his fists.

"Okay." She went back to sketching.

A few minutes passed before he finally spoke up again. "I don't want to be David anymore."

She stopped sketching again, this time turning to look up at him. She watched him for a moment. "Okay."

"I...I have a different name picked out already."

"What is it?"

"Washington." He watched her carefully, and started shaking when she didn't respond. "I-I mean, I'll go by W-Wash, mostly, b-but-"

"Why Washington?" She asked softly.

He went silent for a moment. "Because it's a state, like your name, so it fits."

"Why not another state, like...Georgia, or Ohio?"

He went silent again, as he thought. "...Because it's as far away from the states Dad loves as I can get, while still being connected to the country."

She watched him for a moment, before sighing softly. She smiled. "Okay." She turned back to her sketch.

He blinked. "...Really?"

"If you want to be Washington, then now you're Washington." She kept sketching. "You feeling comfortable is more important then Dad having to get used to a new name.

He remained silent.

"You know..." Carolina started, tearing out the picture from the notebook and handing it to him. "Washington is one of Mom's favourite states."

Wash smiled at her. "Perfect, then."

 

* * *

  
He feels as if he's being pulled again, but a loud shout startles him from his thoughts.

He finds himself on the floor, wincing (even though he can't feel pain, loud noises still seemed to get that response from him. Maybe it's just hard wired at this point). _"What the hell is going on?"_ He pushes himself up, floating out of his room. He's exactly surprised that they're being loud; The teams always had been, and the kids could get out of hand sometimes. He floats over to the open back door, poking his head out.

"And another thing! You have no right to tell me how to raise my kid!" Tucker's shouting, angrily glaring at Doc and Lopez. Junior's clinging to Delta and Theta, and Caboose stands between those three and the three arguing adults. The others stand and stare, not knowing what to do.

"Oye, yo no tenía nada que ver con esto. No tirar de mí. Es culpa de la púrpura, que acaba escondiendo detrás de mí porque él es un cobarde." Lopez holds his hands up.

"I wasn't trying to be rude, I was just saying-"

"I don't give a damn what you have to say, Doc! You can't just come up and tell me that I'm doing everything wrong and think that I'll just gladly take your advice! I'm doing the best I fucking can for my kid, and if you don't think that's enough, that's your own damn problem!"

"Tucker, you know I was just trying to help!"

"Maybe you should learn how to help better then!" He growls, turning on his heel and storming towards the building.

 _"Uh oh."_ Church ducks back inside, moving quickly back into the living room. _"Doc's already gotten into trouble again. I think that's actually a record."_ He jumps as he hears the door slam behind him.

"Goddamn asshole! Why does he always have to try to help by pushing my buttons? He's learning how to be a fucking doctor, he should know how to not set someone off!" Tucker stomps into the room, picking up a pillow off the armchair and aiming to throw it at the couch. "Who does he think he-" Tucker stops suddenly, staring forward.

Church stares right back at him, frozen in his attempt to climb over the couch.

Tucker's eyes widen, all the anger fading away to sadness. "...Church?"

Church is shaking, he can feel it, and his hands twitch as he tries to think of something to say. He panicks, spinning around and darting through the house.

"Church!" He hears shouted behind him, desperate.

He tears through the house, diving through the front door. He crashes to the ground soundlessly, but still rolls as he tries to figure out what to do.

The door is thrown open behind him, and in seconds Tucker is standing over him. He's shaking, tears falling down his face as he looks down at Church.

Church is also shaking, and he's sure that if he was able to cry, he would be.

Because one of his best friends can see him. And if he could see him now-

He remembers the funeral, the shouting that Tucker had done at him, and as Tucker's face fills with shock and understanding, he assumes the other is putting together the pieces too.

Tucker stares for a moment longer, before trying to blink the tears away. "...Church...?" He whisperes, wrapping his arms around himself.

Church slowly sits up, watching him, before wrapping his arms around himself as well. " _...Hey Tucker."_ He smiles sadly, even as he feels like he's both breaking apart and being rebuilt inside. _"It's been a while."_


	6. If Confusion Was A Power Source This House Would Corner the Market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nerds have to talk about their feelings.  
> This goes better than it probably should.

Church is still shaking, as he looks up at his friend. _"Tucker, I..."_

Tucker closes his eyes and holds his breath for a moment. "...Church." He lets out the breath like a sad laugh. "Either I've finally lost my mind or this is really happening right now, but either way we really need to talk about this."

Church just keeps staring at him for a moment. _"Uh. Okay. Sure. Let's...go inside, okay? I mean, we do have neighbors."_

Tucker blinks, before nodding. He walks back inside, waiting for Church to follow before closing the door. "Where too?"

 _"Our usual hallway?"_ Church offers, walking after him.

"Sure...why not."

Church looks down the hall towards the back door, and relaxes slightly when he doesn't see anyone. He pauses to take a breath (even though he doesn't need breaths, the motion still helps to steady his nerves), before continuing down the hallway.

Tucker sighs as he leans his back against the wall, sliding down to the floor. "I don't...I don't understand, dude."

Church sits down across the hallway from him. _"I don't either, Tucker."_

"What the hell even happened?" Tucker wraps his arms around himself again. "I mean, I guess you know what we know, so..."

_"They basically wrote everything down right."_

"But why were you over there?" Tucker presses. "You hate being out at night. Especially alone."

 _"Because the fucking bus broke down."_ Church sighs, shrugging. _"I went to go make a phone call 'cause my phone was dead."_ He pauses at Tucker's grimace. _"Okay, I worded that badly, but you know what I mean."_

"Yeah..." Tucker looks at the ground, and they both sit in silence for a few minutes. "...So that...was you at the-"

 _"Yeah."_ Church interrupts before Tucker can say the word.

"...Sorry I yelled at you, back there."

_"Dude, it's not your-"_

"Let me finish." Tucker looks back up at him. "I shouldn't have been so angry at you. I mean, I was upset about that, yeah, but I was also upset that you were gone, you know? I just...didn't know how to properly show it or some shit like that. I should have been better about that." He sighs, looking back at the ground again. "That's why you didn't come back, right?" His voice drops to a whisper.

Church stares at him for a moment, before cringing. _"Tucker, wait, that's not-"_

"It is though, isn't it? If you've been around the whole time, the only reason I can think you wouldn't check up was because you thought we hated you. Thought that -I- hated you. Fuck dude, I...I never meant for you to think I hated you, you know? I was just-"

 _"Scared."_ Church finishes, his features softening. _"And I was scared too. It's not your fault I didn't visit. I was...just too afraid. I mean..."_ He sighs. _"What would you have done? I...stayed by Tex because I needed to know she was gonna be okay. I...I knew you guys would probably be okay, but how could I go and visit if..."_

They both sit in silence again.

"I guess it's both of our faults, then, huh." Tucker smiles slightly, before looking back at the ground. "...We've really missed you, you know? It's been kinda lonely, just Caboose and me."

 _"And your kid."_ Church smiles.

"Yeah, and Junior." Tucker smiles again. "You know, I've been telling him stories about you. He calls you Uncle Church."

_"Dude, that is...actually sickly adorable."_

"Yeah, I thought so too." Tucker laughs, before freezing at the sound of footsteps.

They both turn to look down the hall, eyes wide.

Delta stares back with the same expression.

Tucker nervously laughs. "O-oh, hey little dude. Did you get sent to look for me?"

Delta slowly nods.

"Well, I'll come back now. I think I've let Doc sit for long enough, you know?" He starts pushing himself up.

"Wait."

Delta's voice causes both Tucker and Church to freeze.

"You..." Delta looks confused. "You were...talking."

Tucker rubs the back of his neck. "Uhm, don't worry about me, D, I just-"

"No." Delta speaks quickly, harshly. "No no. You were -talking-." He looks pointedly at Church. "To -him-."

Church realizes abruptly that he was shaking again.

Tucker blinks. "...What?"

Delta's shaking now, as well. "You were talking, but...no. No, you cannot be, because..."

"Delta, hey, calm down, okay?" Tucker reaches out towards him.

"No!" Delta jerks away, looking between the two of them with tears in his eyes, before sprinting around the corner.

 _"Hey! Wait!"_ Church calls after him, heading down the hallway.

Caboose turns the corner quickly, smiling. "Hello!"

Church shouts, startled, and Tucker just looks on confused.

"Is it finally talk to Church time? I have been waiting! Very patiently!" Caboose continues, a wide smile on his face.

Tucker looks baffled. "What the fuck?"

Church blinks. _"How the hell?"_

"Oh, Delta talks to me when he and Theta come over to play with Junior." Caboose continues smiling. "He tells me he sees you sometimes, so I asked him to tell me how you were doing and if you missed me."

_"What??"_

"So I guess now is the time I finally get to talk to you again! I have been waiting very nicely! Even Tucker can say I have been good!"

The three stand there, staring at each other for a moment.

Tucker blinks. "What. The fuck." He shakes his head. "Let's just...get out of the hallway, and try to figure this out. Church, is my old room still empty?"

 _"Yeah..."_ Church looks between the two, before looking at the floor. _"Let's do that."_

"Come on, everybody into my room. We're gonna talk about our feelings." Tucker opens the door, before walking inside.

"Yes! I love talking about feelings! Donut and I do this all the time! Grif and Simmons also join, but only separately. Are we inviting them?" Caboose asks, following him inside.

 _"No buddy, we're...it's a blue team meeting, okay?"_ Church speaks softly, floating inside.

"Okay!" Caboose smiles again, closing the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter took so long, and I'm sorry it's so short.  
> The RvB Hiatus kinda made me stop being so intensely focused on the series, I lost my notebook with my plots in it, and things have been rough. But I'll try to keep updating more than I have been recently. I am not going to just abandon this fic, even if it takes me a while to update. I wanted to let you guys know.  
> Thanks for reading, and I'm really excited so many people have been enjoying this.


	7. Playing Catch-Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back. It's short, but I'm back.

Tucker takes a look around the room. "...Hasn't been used much since I left, huh?"

_"It's the room North uses if he stays over from one of the many 'Team Dad' plans."_ Church shrugs. _"He usually has work, so he goes home."_

Caboose bounces on his feet. "Oh! Delta and Theta stay in my room! Delta tells me every time I see him."

"Caboose, sit down, okay? Here, look. I'll sit first." Tucker sits down on the floor, leaning back against the bed.

Caboose sits near him, crossing his legs.

Church joins them, arms wrapped around his knees. _"So. Uh. Long story short-"_

"You're a ghost who's been with Texas for years and years caring for her."

The two of them stare at Caboose.

"You also try to talk to people but no one ever answers you." He pauses. "Delta-"

"Told you. We got it." Tucker shakes his head.

_"You guys are the first to really...react to me. Delta never did. Tex never does..."_ He runs a hand through his hair. _"Hell, the only person who even did was Wash, and I'm pretty sure he was just having a breakdown induced hallucination when I just happened to be there."_

"You've basically been invisible for six years?"

_"Yeah."_

"...Dude, that sounds awful."

_"No kidding."_

"Well, that makes our decision even easier."

Church blinks at him. _"...What?"_

"Washington is talking with Texas to ask if we can come back and live here again." Caboose smiles. "And it is only slightly my fault."

"We're worried about Tex, and...Caboose kinda got us kicked out of my dorm because he accidentally set the room on fire."

Church sighs. _"Did you forget to unplug the electronics you were taking apart again?"_

"No!"

"Yes."

_"...Great. Well, hopefully that'll help her a bit. She...goes out, but doesn't really seem happy. The only time she smiles, the Dad Brigade is here."_

"There's...something else that Wash's gonna have to talk about." Tucker shifts slightly.

_"...What now?"_

"Remember how Omega went missing from your dad's place like three years ago? I'm guessing you've kept up with events, even if you don't really go anywhere."

_"Yeah, I have."_ His eyes widen. _"Did they find him?"_

"Yeah. And he's okay. Doc's been taking care of him, but...he doesn't seem to like Doc too much."

_"He never met Doc before, of course he doesn't."_ He rolls his eyes. _"What does that have to do with Tex?"_

"Doc was thinking that she could take him. At least until Carolina gets everything settled about him." Tucker shrugs. "He knows her pretty well, and it might help her too."

Church chuckles. _"Two kids, you, and Caboose. That's a lot to get used to."_

"If she even says yes."

_"Well, I know a way to help with that. Hey, Caboose?"_

"Hello!"

_"Could you go talk with them? Talking to you might help Tex say yes."_

Caboose's eyes widen. "Oh! Good idea!" He bounces up, before quickly heading out of the room.

Tucker smiles. "...It'll be nice to be back."

_"It'll be nice to have you back. I never thought I'd say it, but I fucking missed you guys."_

"We've missed you too, asshole." He laughs. "We've missed you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I lost my notebooks for a while, I moved out of a very bad living situation, and during season 14 I kind of fell out of the RvB fandom for a time.  
> I'm not as into it as I used to be (though that'll be changing once I actually sit down and binge season 15 :P ), but I'm going to do my best to try to actually continue this fic.  
> I can promise this, at the least. I won't take almost two years to post the next chapter. ^_^;;

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time writing (or at least, finishing a chapter of) an RvB fic! I hope you liked it so far. The plan for this is it's gonna be less fighty and stuff like that, and more talking and stuff like that. No planned revenge plots, or anything like that.  
> I hope I didn't make anyone too out of character, but if you think I did feel free to tell me how you think I should fix the dialogue.


End file.
